Comments on Ashley Weis: When Loving Isn't Easy

Hugs. I so get it. And i don't have anything to of...

2010-02-22T17:34:03.201-05:00

Hugs. I so get it. And i don't have anything to offer - just hugs.

Ashley, My husband and I just finished watching...

2010-02-19T22:29:33.881-05:00

Ashley,

My husband and I just finished watching Defiance (excellent movie btw). My heart is so with you on this one. So with you. I am feeling a very similar thing from my sister. She has "cut me off" b/c I dared to confront...and still I live with peace--discomfort, but peace. I long for heaven for similar reasons.

I will pray for you. I feel for you deeply. I love your desire to love. It is so refreshing! So refreshing. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing and I hope that God brings healing and light to your situation.

Relationships are so messy and hard. Thank you for revealing so much on here. I really feel less alone in my own situation.

I hope you sleep well tonight. And again, thank you for your vulnerability. God continues to teach me as I write these words.
~ Wendy

thanks, wendy! :) i appreciate your comments and a...

2010-02-19T19:49:09.166-05:00

thanks, wendy! :) i appreciate your comments and advice. really.

it's not that i WANT to tolerate fake per say ... just that i don't know what else to do. being around this person means tolerating her fake attitude toward me. for example, giving me a kiss on the cheek when other people are watching, but running out the door to avoid hugging me when no one is around. but this person is a part of our family so we can't just shut them out. she wants to be a part of my family (my husband and children), but i have a good feeling (may not necessarily be true) that she is going to "suffer" my presence to see my family. you know what i mean? so i can't really escape the fake stuff.

every time we have lovingly confronted her through letters, cards, flowers, and my husband's countless efforts to come between us as a peacemaker ... she runs off for months to a year and doesn't talk to us.

so ... obviously rebuke doesn't go over so well in this situation. but my heart is ... i want there to be peace and not fake peace. i even would be open to a real relationship if she wanted that. but for now ... it would just be fake. and it is VERY hard for me to deal with fake. it's hard for me to hide my true feelings of "hey, this is uncomfortable and i don't really want to be around you." but then i feel unloving.

this is pretty much why i have often fallen asleep in tears asking God if life for those around me would be easier if He'd just take me home already.

some people don't like me just because i am me. and i can't change me. but i don't like being the cause of so much strife just because i am who i am. i'd rather come home sometimes and have people be happy.

but i know that's not what God's point in all this is. he wants to see change happen. on my part ... i'm just not sure what or how that is.

Okay, I came back b/c I'm really feeling for you o...

2010-02-19T19:41:36.868-05:00

Okay, I came back b/c I'm really feeling for you on this one (heck, I'm still really feeling for me on this one).

The verse that spoke to me after my sister blew up at me was: "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Proverbs 27:5 I'm not trying to spout off Bible verses at you as though they can make it all better, but once I read that my eyes opened to what I needed to do. I realized loving my sister meant lovingly confronting her about the unhealthy ways she'd been lashing out at me (leaving angry vm's and removing me from FB).

My question for you (rhetorical of course) is why would you want to tolerate fake? I know there is no simple answer and I certainly don't know the details and am not in your shoes...I hope to help you feel that you are not alone...that I too am dealing with a difficult person--my own flesh and blood. It kills me. I've had friendships I've lost in h.s. I've cried over in my 30's. I've always felt things deeply, but I'm trusting as God teaches me how and when to let go.

I pray that you are able to discern God's will with how to love this person.

I appreciate how open you've been. It's why I keep reading here. I know you don't hide. Some people are so afraid all they know how to do is hide.

I'm glad you are not one of those people.
~ Wendy

hmm ... that makes more sense. thank you for that....

2010-02-19T15:27:02.396-05:00

hmm ... that makes more sense. thank you for that. i still have a hard time with them though. don't know why. just a hard time ... it doesn't fully make sense to me. i don't think i need her acceptance or even want it, because i often wonder what that would mean. the people she seems to accept are like her, and since this person is a wicked witch character in my life it's not exactly a role model thing. you know? so ... i'm beyond acceptance, and i'm beyond truly wanting a relationship unless she does ... but the thing that confuses me is that she wants to be around me for reasons that have nothing to do with me, and i just don't know how to deal with it. how do you talk to someone who is being fake to you? it just doesn't make sense in my head. grace, sure. i have a hard time with grace sometimes, but i think i can give her that if i focus on God ... it's just the fake thing ... i can't be fake. i am too real for that. and i wonder is my "realness" not loving and Christ-like? is it not loving because i can't put on that smile that says, "hey, yeah, glad to see you," when i'm really not?

this whole situation makes me feel like a horrible person. like i don't love Jesus enough to love my enemies or something. because if i'm honest ... i want nothing to do with this person and her fakeness. i'd rather just keep my distance.

alas, confused.

I can relate to you on the level of extremes in so...

2010-02-19T15:23:49.782-05:00

I can relate to you on the level of extremes in so many ways. The whole fake thing, you took the words right out of my mouth. I can't stand it! I don't want to have to be on guard, and I don't want to have to hide who I really am and what I feel. I want to be able to be myself and trust that the people I'm with accept that and won't hurt me.

And I find balance the most difficult and trying thing to find in life in so many areas. I can do very few things moderately. My husband enjoys slot games, and once he took me to play in a casino for a few hours just for fun. We spent two days and literally 20 of 24 hours of each day playing, because I was having so much fun. If we decide to eat out, I want to eat out for a week and try each restaurant in town. If I clean, I want to do everything, literally, or I'm not happy. And God doesn't get left out either. I want to do everything for God, do everything right and every "right" thing, and then I just collapse under the weight of my own craziness. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone in it, because sometimes it can make me feel crazy.

I'm sorry about "Mrs. Gulch". I can't offer anything other than a hug and a word of encouragement that God knows what you are going through, and there is a purpose in it somewhere, for both of you.

Boundaries are not so much setting up walls as muc...

2010-02-19T15:18:18.059-05:00

Boundaries are not so much setting up walls as much as they're acknowledging something for what it is and treating it accordingly- for the sake of your mental health and everyone else around you. It's really self awareness. It doesn't prevent people from hurting you, but helps you to think clearly about it when they do. It doesn't stop you from crying, or cause you to feel less or become numb, it just speaks truth to you in the midst of it. It's kind of like a little tap on your shoulder that says, "Hey, this is how it is with this person, stop expecting more, continue giving, but don't expect anything in return." I find this awareness to be very refreshing when I feel crappy about a relationship, it helps to put things in perspective. It helps me to prioritize my relationships and think rationally.
So boundaries don't keep you from hurting, but they speak truth to your situation when you feel like an emotional wreck. Boundaries are more for you than for the other person. I think you should get the book, Boundaries, because they explain this way better than I can. It's all Christ centered and Biblical.
Loving her might be praying for God to help you get through an encounter with her by his grace. It will be God's working on your heart and giving you grace to respect her, to be silent when necessary, to be attacked and not strike back, to be nice but not shallow, to be YOU and not need her acceptance.
Anthony and I were reading John 2 together. In verse 23, Jesus does miracles and tons of people start to believe in him. The same people who would betray him later. They believe in him for what they can get from him. Talk about selfishness, talk about a one sided relationship, but look at what verse 24 says, " But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man." This verse really helps us to see Jesus' self awareness. He understood his purpose, his priorities were in order. Jesus' boundary for himself was to realize his relationship with man. It's one sided. He did not entrust himself to man because he acknowledged what is in man, and it's sin. So Jesus had 100% healthy expectations for people. He did not find his identity in them, he did not expect anything from them, so he did not entrust himself to them. Not to say he was not hurt by them, we killed him, but he understood the reality of our relationship and accepted it from the beginning of his ministry. So when God pursues us relentlessly, it's not without boundaries, it's not blindly. It's with a healthy understanding of what kind of relationship he's in. And even within our love relationship with God, he has boundaries for us. For example He calls us to repent when we sin. If we don't repent we won't feel communion with Him. This is not to say that he has stopped loving us, but the dynamics of our relationship has changed because we broke a boundary he will not bend on.

So this long answer is not to say have boundaries and be distant, it's saying embrace boundaries because they make you healthy and enable you to love like Christ.

thanks for the comments guys ... i guess the hard ...

2010-02-19T13:28:31.589-05:00

thanks for the comments guys ... i guess the hard part about this is that:

1.) this person is in my life no matter what.

2.) something in me can't settle for not loving a person FULLY because they don't love me.

3.) she doesn't respect boundaries.

4.) i find it difficult to set boundaries when i did so much to God throughout my life, from ignoring Him, to blaspheming Him, to not wanting Him, and yet He loved me intensely the entire time without wavering.

boundaries are a REALLY hard thing for me. my mind justifies it, but my heart aches when i set a wall up between me and another person.

also, when i set up boundaries and guard my heart ... it really makes me insensitive in a lot of areas. i cry less. i feel less. i am numb overall.

i don't like that.

i often think ... well, i just need to get to a point where i am not hurt by people ... but is that even possible?

or is it?

can we love Jesus so much that others can't harm us?

or are we like little children who will always get hurt, but can run to their Daddy when they need to be comforted?

so, really, for me it comes down to ... how can i love this person fully when she wants nothing to do with me and never has? is it possible to have a one-sided relationship? is it possible to constantly pour yourself into a sieve and still have more to give?

that's what i want.

Ashley, I'm terribly sorry that you have to go thr...

2010-02-19T12:44:45.126-05:00

Ashley, I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through this. I had an experience like this a few years ago. It was probably the worst experience I ever had in my life so far. To be hated by someone who doesn't give you a chance is probably the most hurtful thing ever.

I was actually talking to my sister about something similar yesterday. We were talking about friendships and boundaries. I was telling her that I'm learning that a lot of ladies that I've considered friends over the years have never really been my friends. And it's not because we didn't get along, or they were mean, but because the nature of the relationship was more of a mentorship than a frienship. They came to me with issues and I helped them solve it. The relationshp was very one sided and it would frustrate me often. I would think to myself, "She doesn't even care about me, all she does it talk about herself and her issues. She's a bad friend." I read this book "Boundaries" by Plowman and it talked right to my problem. It explained that it is really important to look at the different relationsihps in my life and call them what they are. When you look at the dynamics and see that it is one sided or there is no interest on the other end, you need to treat it according to the reality of what's going on and not what you would hope it to be.

The reason why this situation seems similar to me is because I think you might need to set some boundaries for your relationship with this person. I know you already know she doesn't give a crap about wanting to develop a relationship with you, which is in fact the dynamic of your relationship. There is absolutely nothing there and that is totally fine. This situation is one that God might be using, not only to challenge you to love this person more but to also to teach you how to set boundaries around the beautiful open heart he gave you. You might need to limit your time around this person, not accept gifts and cards from this person, or if you do, not to take them seriously if they are offensive. Remind yourself that this is just the dynamic of your relatiionship and until God changes her heart, this is how she will treat you. Guard your heart around this woman. I think that might be the way to love her. By praying to God to help you guard your heart against this ladies attacks on you. You will be a lot more healthy when you are around her if you protect yourself first.

Setting boundaries is not easy, it might be just as painful and hard. But the great thing about setting boundaries is that once you get over the guilt, you are able to accept that you don't need to treat everyone with the same kind of love and affections. There are some people, where the dynamic of your relationship will be nothing more than a, "hello, how are you? great!" and that has to be ok with you. You have too many other people to love to try to make this one person love you or accept your love.
Don't through your pearls to the swine. They have absoultely no idea what to do with it!

I will be praying for you Ashley because this is hard.

Hugs!

Ashley, I'm going through a very similar circumsta...

2010-02-19T11:10:04.273-05:00

Ashley, I'm going through a very similar circumstance with a family member. It's been painful. I'm not someone who just stops loving. I can relate to your extreme/intense personality. I throw my whole self in when I'm loving and I've never been a surface-type.

I don't know at all if this applies, but at some point God introduced me to the verse where Jesus instructed the disciples to shake the dust off if they're not received. Love, yes...but there are times when we need to move and and focus on those in our lives who are able to love us back. Again, not sure if this applies at all. It bites that I can't change my current situation, but I know as far as it was up to me I offered honesty and peace.

Sorry to ramble...you got me on a sensitive topic.

BTW, I use Wizard of Oz references in my WIP.

I hope you receive more clarity on your current situation.
~ Wendy