If love had a face, what would it look like? If you could paint a picture of love, what would it be like? What shades and strokes and dabs of color would you use?
My fuse lately has been short. There are lots of reasons why, but I don't like it. I'm getting agitated with people and the way they treat others and me. Some of the things that have been done/said about me lately and over the last few years are just pushing me to my limit.
Sometimes I really want to lash out in revenge, and honestly, that is not a pretty sight. One of my biggest flaws is my revengeful spirit. In the past, I have been way too good at it. You wrong me and immediately I think of a way to bash your head in. Lovely, isn't it? But it's true. I don't always have this revengeful attitude, but lately the level of insolence and lack of love around me is making me dig my fingernails into the wall just to keep from dwelling on my revengeful thoughts. I'm finding it hard lately to keep from feeling hate toward others.
It takes a lot to get to this level in my life. When I meet someone I love them with all of me, immediately, doesn't matter if they're Dushon Green, Michael Jackson, or George Weis. I love. And you can hurt me quite a bit before I'll stop loving you. You can kick me out of your life, lie about me, stone me a few hundred times, but I'll still love you.
But there is a limit. And only two people in my life have reached this limit. And I think it's because they are really mean people. Mean to me. Mean to everyone around them. Critical. And they lie. They actually believe their own lies. I find it odd that both of these people are women. Funny that the evil characters in all the Disney fairy tales are mostly women. There is a level of MEAN in women that men are not capable of. Women are vindictive, manipulative, conniving, and really, really good at it.
And that scares me.
I've been hurt so much that I put up these walls. And these walls make me less sensitive to the hurt caused by others, but these walls also block me from truly loving like I used to. And these walls, one day, are going to burst and I'm going to hit a person or two with a thousand bricks. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be the Wicked Witch.
I want to love. Often I have a hard time realizing the difference between doormat and Jesus. People always say, "Jesus wasn't a doormat." Yeah, I can see how that's true. He turned tables, stood up for what He believed in. But He was also dragged across the ground, blood mingling with the dust, for something He didn't do. They lied. They manipulated. They chose. They killed.
And He died.
He didn't fight back. He didn't prove that He was right. He didn't try to make the world like Him or believe His side. He didn't defend Himself or seek revenge... He loved. Maybe Jesus wasn't a doormat (even though He was trampled on) because He chose His sacrifice. Maybe I am a doormat sometimes because I do not choose to be beaten. I expect to be loved and when the pain comes I pull away, because I didn't choose it to begin with.
I don't want to pull away. I want to choose love.
What does love look like to me? If I had to paint a picture?
Well...
It would be a deep, rich crimson splattered on the page and written in microscopic detail would be the names of every person in the world.
5 comments:
WHOA! REALLY GOOD!
Nuff said.
LOVE YOU!
-your guy-
amen girl. wonderful post.
{{{hugs}}} & blessings!
Christi
1. The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Ashley, stupendous.Before I did what I do I always wondered why more people are not more introspective, but this takes growing in the Lord to see one's self. Some times guys can't break down the facade, too painful. You are showing the way as Jesus is showing you. I'm loving your revealings. Like I said, Ashley you rock.
Thanks
Roghar ( Hugh ) If only more people can read your blogs
Ashley, I actually broke out in a cold sweat while reading this because I fight the same vengeful spirit for the same reasons. YES. They're both women. One happens to be a close blood relative of mine. I fight this every day of my life, and you're right: the hearts of some become so hardened to the truth and blind to God that they actually believe their own lies. They LIVE to manipulate those around them. And we...we are to forgive and show the love of Christ to them (beyond sticking a tract in the Christmas card). You, my bloggy Amish-country friend, have just hit the nail squarely on the head of my single biggest spiritual battle. And it's a big, ugly, ongoing one.
Re: Difference between Jesus and doormat. Due to my afore-mentioned problem with forgiveness, I've read quite a bit on the subject, what God expects of us, and what the model is. Here's where the difference lay in Jesus' submission to the evil ones abusing Him and when He became righteously angry (and is thus our model for righteous anger): is God's glory being attacked? Is God being dishonored? Or is it a personal affront ~ our own personal pride is injured (even legitimately)?
Jesus ALWAYS rebuked sin, always responded in righteous anger when God was being dishonored. He remained remarkably calm (even though He, of course, was still fully God) when He personally was slandered or abused. So in that sense, He (and we, by extension) aren't commanded to be doormats - but standing up has to be for God's glory. Unfortunately, defending our innocent selves isn't a good enough excuse for vindication - we're to leave that to God. Definitely read John Macarthur's "The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness" - I wrote a three-part review on my blog back in April. I was so humbled and overcome anew with gratitude for the mercy and grace God showered on me that I could only agree with Him about why I MUST forgive, and repented of not agreeing sooner!
Paintings that illustrate love. Easy one. Frances Hook's "Portrait of Christ". I don't know why I love that one so much...I know we're not supposed to have images of Christ and all, but I see it as symbolic rather than representational. Also her sketch "Love" - Jesus is holding a toddler boy and nuzzling his cheek. My boys have a framed one in their room. It really does illustrate love.
I am incapable of leaving a short comment, aren't I?
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