Thoughts of Having an Affair

Yes, it’s true. Over time I’ve had thoughts of cheating on my husband. It started when his porn struggle surfaced. At that time I wanted to cheat on him as revenge. I wanted him to feel the pain, to know what it feels like for your spouse to choose someone else instead of you. But the anger and pain faded and my desire to seek revenge vanished beside those emotions.

But I still, to this day, get smacked with the desire to have an affair.

I don’t blame his porn issues for my disturbing thoughts anymore. I blame myself and my inability to be pleased in all circumstances. When a person seeks an affair they can blame it on their spouse’s inadequacies all they want, but really it’s their own issue.

For me, it’s a heart issue.

When my husband does something that irritates me, I dwell on those thoughts instead of focusing on his positive qualities. When he doesn’t serve me or treat me or love me as I think he should, I create reasons in my head, reasons why I’d be better off with someone else.

Do you see the pattern here?

I⎯too often⎯think my marriage is all about me and my needs and desires. But it’s not. It’s not about me. It’s about us. When I said those vows, when I promised faithfulness and selflessness, I meant them. Do I still mean them? Or do I let my own desires and needs get in the way?

You know…my husband is the sweetest man you’ll ever meet. Yeah, he has his moments. Rarely. And yeah, he lied about porn and all that. But I still get irritated with him.

If I peel back the pretty mask on my heart I see a rotting mess. My irritation with this sweet, loving person is because of my own flaws. When he chews too loud or overwhelms me with his sweetness when I want to be alone, I realize now that it’s not him who needs to change⎯it’s me. It’s soooooo me.

I haven’t had an actual desire to cheat on George anytime of late, but I have had random thoughts come from nowhere in times of irritation. Thoughts that say, Man, I bet it would be so much easier with someone else. I’d feel more loved.

But would I really?

People who seek affairs end up ruining their marriages and their kids hearts, then they go on to remarry their new flame only to see it die down and leave them with the one thing they tried to run from⎯their decaying heart.

George could be the worst husband in the world, ignoring me for the TV, leaving me alone, stepping on my heart, treating my like crap, but that doesn’t matter.

His actions⎯or lack their of⎯should have nothing to do with my love for him.

You know, all those marriage books say love is a choice. I know that. But sometimes I wish it were always like the beginning of a relationship, when you constantly feel in love and happy and you mentally list more reasons why you love the person in front of you instead of ways they irritate you.

But no, love really is a choice.

I can choose to love my husband more than my own life. Or I can continue in my selfishness, feeling all good about my impure thoughts while my husband sweetly suffers and my heart, decaying underneath the façade, begs me to nurture truth and love.

So, why should I spend my days wishing I could make George more romantic, or snore less, or talk about boring subjects (in my opinion) less? Why should I entertain thoughts of others⎯others who will fail me one day too?

We’re all failures. And all of our marriages are imperfect and difficult. It takes work to keep a marriage healthy. It takes love, true love, and humility to slide your own desires aside to take care of the heart of another.

But that’s what love is. And I don’t want to live in fake love. I don’t want to live in a love that is constantly figuring out what’s best for me. I want to live in a love that is constantly figuring out how to love others more than myself.

Thankfully my husband is sweet and gentle and I don’t have to deal with overbearing dominance. But even if I did, it wouldn’t matter, because I’ve decided that it’s time for a change of heart.

It’s time for this decaying mess to be cleaned and renewed. It’s time to turn to Jesus and say, Show me how you love. Teach me to love like that. To look beyond my own feelings and see someone else’s.

I want to turn from myself and look for ways, all day long, to love my husband. And not once, not once do I want to give in to bitter, selfish thoughts. And when I get irritated (which is bound to happen in marriage) I want to give him a kiss. And when he is being all lovey and I feel like I need space, I want to wrap my arms around him and make love. When he dreams, I want to dream with him instead of running after my own dreams. I want to invite him into my world, my heart, instead of shutting him out. When he does something I think is stupid, I want to smile and encourage him to be a man.

Always, I want to be a faithful, loving wife. I want to encourage him always. I want to jump at the opportunity to serve him, to speak well of him, to caress his needs, to hold his hand and kiss at red lights.

Today, I am saying my vows all over again.

With this ring, I, Ashley Marie, take you, George Benjamin to be my husband, before God who brought us together, to love you, cherish you, to submit myself unto you in all things, and to follow you through all of life's experiences as you follow God. That through His grace, we might grow together into the likeness of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Lord.

Georgie Love, with this beautiful ring you put on my finger, once again, I choose you. I choose to love you, to cherish you, to submit to your desires instead of my own, to follow you through all of life’s experiences as you follow our Love. Together, let’s become more like Jesus

I love you. I choose you. A thousand times over, I choose you.

You are worth far more than any other man in this world. You are my husband. We are one. I want to cherish that oneness forever.

Please, walk with me, dream with me, hurt with me, and forgive me for all the times I hurt you.

I am yours.