Honesty & Affairs

I've seen a lot of marriages go through through the disaster of finding out one person was having an affair. Some of these marriage are in the process of working it out. Some ended and the person having the affair is with the other person now, leaving the spouse all alone.

Others... others don't think they are having an affair, or maybe they don't want to tell their spouse because they want this secret romance to go on for a long time. Men are like this with porn. They don't think it's a big deal, or they don't think it's a form of betrayal, so they hide it and hope it will go away.

I've see this happen and this kind seems to be the worst, because it drags on for a long time making the blow even harder to handle. Normally the spouse who was cheated on leaves, they can't even fathom working it out, but sometimes they want to, but the person cheating doesn't want to.

And it ruins lives.

George and I have had our own struggles with pornography. And the biggest issue for me to get over wasn't that he looked at other women, but that he lied to me since the day we met. He hid from me and looked at this stuff at work, while I waited for him in bed at home. He got up in the middle of the night, the only time he did this at home, and used our computer for pleasure while I was six months pregnant with our first child in our bedroom.

When he came back to bed that night something in me (strange) thought I'd joke with him. I said, "Did you masturbate?"

He looked uncomfortable. "Why would you say that?"

I laughed. "Just took a while, that's all."

Looking back I can see how his uncomfortable stature and fidgety eyes should have clued me in, but I believed him when he told me that night that he just went out there to work.

(Not bashing my husband here, just speaking the truth. When people cheat on their spouses, yes porn is cheating, they hide it because they don't want to hurt the person and they think the affair will die down before they have to tell their spouse. George went through this, but he has completely regained my trust.)

I found the link on our computer a few days later, I can't remember how long since that night, but when I saw it my heart sank. Not because of the porn. I never met a guy who didn't struggle, at some point, with porn. But he lied. My husband. The one I gave my heart to. The one I trusted. He lied.

That is what hurt me the deepest, like a knife twisted into my heart and left there to shred me when it wanted.

Marriages aren't marriages anymore. They have become agreements on paper. We share this house. We might have kids. You take out the trash. I do the dishes. But my heart is not yours and never will be, either because I don't love you, I don't trust you, or I am in love with someone else.

I've seen marriages like this come to the brink of disaster, but somehow they ended up working through it. Their marriages are now brighter than they have ever been. Two people you never imagined being romantic, now are.

But the key to restoration is honesty. And if you don't want to be honest, then you obviously don't want your marriage. Because a marriage thrives off honesty and truth. And if you don't want your marriage, why even bother keeping the ring on or the papers signed?

I've had my issues with wanting to cheat on George through all this pain. But when it comes down to it I want my marriage. I care about my husbands heart more than my own. So I tell him about these struggles. He knows my heart. And he knows that although the thoughts come, I want him.

Friends of ours, I won't mention names, have recently dealt with an affair. The husband cheated, ended up wanting to leave her for someone else. But the wife stuck by him, loved him, and wanted to work things out, even if that meant lashing out in anger or pain sometimes. But still, she wanted him and some part of him must have wanted her too... because now they are in counseling and working through their problems.

I've also seen a few divorces because of affairs, and those people are miserable right now, and the person they were having an affair with suddenly isn't so exciting. Nope. He actually turned out to be boring after living together. And guess what? Now he's cheating on HER. And she's realizing that she misses her husband. That she should have never let go of his love.

But he's moved on too and the woman he's with now is kind, gentle, and loves him more than she ever did. It kills her. And her heart dies a little more every day.

Is it worth it?

I mean, really, is it worth it???

Honesty transforms lives. It is the door to healing, hope, and restoration. Dishonesty ruins lives. It is the door to selfishness, hopelessness, and destruction. Why do people choose the latter? What's the point? That emotional high will eventually die down. Someday you'll feel just as empty as you did before the affair, so why bother?

Why not open your heart to the one with the ring on her finger?

Why not open the door to hope and restoration? If your spouse will let you in.

Marriages aren't always easy. They don't always have those "in love" feelings you get from the movies or the beginning of a relationship. And every single person in this world who makes you feel butterflies, will eventually irritate you. It's inevitable.

But it's how you choose to respond to REAL LIFE that shows your real heart.

My husband and I have dealt with dishonesty and temptation. But our love has transcended our issues. Is it always easy? No. Is it always roses? No. Not to sound cheesy, but roses have thorns.

Deal with the thorns together, in honesty, and you will learn what true love is.