Giving My Kids to God

I'm signed up to go to a writing conference this year and I'm coming close to the deadline for getting a refund. This is a big deal to me. Before I had kids I was fearless. I probably stood centimeters from death dozens of times, from climbing 150ft rock outcrops with no ropes to dreaming of sky-diving.

Now?

Ha.

Not so much. Having children has changed me in so many ways, but one way that is not so good is this overwhelming fear and worry.

"Don't flip her around like that."

"Hold his arm in the tub the ENTIRE time."

"I can't get on this plane, what if I die? What will the babies do with a mommy? This is not responsible as a mother..."

"Let me check on him one more time before we go to sleep, just to make sure the sheets are against his nose."

"I can't leave my babies for that long. What if they forget me?"

"What if they need me while we're out to eat?"

Since having kids I have SERIOUSLY lacked true rest. And this is my own fault. I've tried to play it off as "oh, I just love them so much." But this isn't about love, this is about pure fear and distrust in God.

Love does not fear. It trusts.

I know that my fears come from a lack of trust. Before I had kids I always told myself that they are "God's children" before they are mine. He WILL take care of them when I go out to eat with my husband. I need to trust HIM, instead of trying to control every situation to make sure my kids are okay.

This conference in the fall is scary to me. I really want to get rid of this fear and truly trust God, but I'm having a tough time.

Little George will only be 13 months at the time. And I keep thinking I'm being selfish. My writing career should not take me away from my 13-month-old child. But I feel like this is important. I feel like not only is this a good thing for my writing career, but also for my heart.

I have NEVER slept without George since we married. Never. I have nightmares that I get stuck an hour away and can't sleep with him. And I have NEVER left my little baby overnight. Evie has stayed with her grandparents. She was very independent and wanted to since about 18months or so. But little George is the baby. And he is going to be a tiny little baby and I'm going to leave him for four days???

Oh boy....

I think this will be good for me. In a lot of ways. I will get to do adult things. I will get to experience LONGING for my husband again, since we will actually have a chance to miss each other. And I will get over my control issues with my kids.

Just thinking about this gives me chest pains. I never had fears and anxieties like this before....

Jesus, King of my heart,

I want to trust you. I want to stop putting my faith in myself and trying to control. I fail even myself, but you will never fail me. Of everyone I trust, you are the only one who will never, ever let me down. Your will prevails, yet I sometimes fear what that might mean. Your heart is loving, yet I sometimes fear that you will make me suffer for no good reason. Your heart is perfect, yet I so often feel like I can compete with you.

I am tired of fear. I am tired of anxiety and worry. I want your rest and peace and joy. I want to trust you.

Increase my faith. Yikes. I've prayed that before and got a handful of difficult situations. But I am ready. I will follow you. And I will stop asking for the easy road.

Jesus, Savior, I surrender my children. I lay them at your feet. You know better than I do. You know. I will never be the perfect mother. Teach me to love like you, through you, to give my entire life to you.

Your little lamb,
Ashley Marie