Healing for the Wife of a Porn Addict

When I discovered George's struggle with porn, I pretended to heal right away. I forgave him, stretched my face into a smile, and tried to live as though that were true. But it wasn't.

Yeah, I forgave him, to a degree, but I wasn't happy.

His struggle with lust has only gotten easier since the day I found out. December 27th, 2006. Yes, I have the exact day memorized. I can't help it.

For months, his struggle got easier, but mine only worsened. I searched tons of magazine articles, Christian web sites, blogs, anything I could find to help me heal. But nothing helped. The most common thing I came across at the time was: it's not about you. That was the best help people could give me. And I knew that was true, but it didn't help.

No matter what, I couldn't understand that it wasn't about me. I compared those women to myself, over and over, and had every inch of their bodies ENGRAVED in my head. I still do.

Our marriage was like a roller coaster through all of this, but finally, I can say that (for the most part) I have gotten over these things and moved toward true forgiveness and trust for him.

Obviously, in my case, it helped that my husband actually made an effort to change, but for some women that's not the case. I believe they can still find healing.

For me, it started with boundaries and obedience.

No matter how much I wanted to go search the sites I knew he visited and stare at pictures again, I couldn't do that. Sometimes it helps for not only the husband to have a filter on the computer, but also the wife. Obedience to GOD is key here. To remember that He's first.

Then, I needed to truly find my value in Jesus. This wasn't easy. But God took me down a road of no makeup, no heels, no super pretty dresses and jewelry, and through that time I learned to see myself as I am. To appreciate my beauty as MY beauty, and not some other girl's. I learned to stop comparing, and to thank God for the way He made ME look. And I've learned that sexiness does not equal beauty. Sexiness is something the world wants us to pursue, but God wants us to REST in the beauty we already have.

And on top of all this, I read about the lives of porn stars and ex-porn stars. The ugliness behind the sex industry's lies really moved me and I couldn't help but feel for them. I think my love for the very type of women that my husband fantasized about really helped me heal the most. Obedience is important, finding my value in Jesus was certainly important, but loving those in the sex industry has been the biggest thing to help me in the process of healing.

It really isn't about me. It's about God and what He wants to do with our struggles. He always has a way to turn trials into triumphs, as Mary DeMuth says. And He is faithful whether we are or not.

My new web site theme is going to be beauty after rain, which is going to be my "brand"/"theme" for writing, at least for now. :) I think it's too soon to truly brand myself, but beauty after rain sort of wraps around my life and my writing and conveys the message underneath them both.

Anyway, back to the porn thing... the healing of my heart wasn't the only problem. You see, I have an issue with revenge. When someone hurts me I think they should feel the pain to understand what they did to me. I want them to suffer too. Believe me, I know this is unhealthy, which is why I surrender these types of thoughts to God every time.

But throughout the entire healing process, and even now, Satan tempts me with thoughts of cheating on George. At one point in the past I actually plotted out an entire scheme, and I think the only thing that stopped me from doing so was 1.) fear of losing the very person I sometimes wanted to lose (my husband) and 2.) my baby girl.

Since then I've had my own struggle with lust. It comes down to 2 things:

1.) Looking at other men. I've never fantasized about another man, but I often had the desire to stare at someone I thought was attractive just to make George jealous. I've never given in to this sickness, but the temptation often came. I think a common thing in marriages is to have celebrity crushes and talk about them. Word of wisdom: don't. Stop talking about anyone of the opposite sex, and really work on not THINKING about them either. Yeah, it's not bad to acknowledge that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are aesthetically attractive people, but leave it at that. No need to long over certain features and talk about how attractive they are.

2.) Wanting other men to lust over me. I really think provoking lust (being an object of lust) is just as bad as lusting after the object. And married women, sadly, do this a lot. Because they don't feel beautiful to their husband, they try to be SEXY to the world to get attention. Well, guess what? We will get attention that way. There's no doubt about it. Men will look at a sensually/sexually clothed body whether the face is pretty or not. And we can be sensual even in clothing we think is completely modest. We can flirt, walk a certain way, laugh at the waiter, and whatever else you can think of... But causing men to lust, truly, is as bad as looking at porn. It's all part of the same circle of lies.

I no longer struggle with either of these things. I don't have an urge to seek revenge and haven't for some time. I am in love with my husband and I realize that his struggle with lust is/was beyond me, it's deeper than that, otherwise every man in the world wouldn't be tempted in this area, but they are. All of them, in some way, are tempted.

And I no longer desire other men's attention, in any way. I don't care if my husband thought I was the ugliest thing on earth, which he doesn't, I still wouldn't want to be looked at as an object, or even just a pretty face. I want people to see Jesus in me, not be consumed by my physical beauty.

I also think it's unhealthy to want your husband to lust over you in the same way he struggled with porn/sexual images. I know a lot of women think it's necessary to spice up their wardrobe or sex life to please their husband so he doesn't turn to porn, but this isn't true. Sure, spice isn't a bad thing, but trying to look and act like a porn star to get your husband's attention is only going to make things worse. He's truly got to heal from his perversions and learn to see sex as what God intended it to be, the love and consummation of husband and wife. Yes, it's beautiful and can often be sexy, but to be raunchy and void of emotion, I truly doubt is healthy.

We always think we need to compete with that stuff, but we don't.

We need to look to Jesus, fall in love with Him, let Him reveal to us our true beauty, beyond makeup and clothing and sex-appeal, and REST there, in His love for us.

Then we need to be obedient and faithful. We need to stop thinking of revenge, or other men, or comparing ourselves to other women. We need to stop looking through those celebrity magazines too, it's not just men. We need to stop watching certain movies that provoke our insecurity and jealousy. We need to stop going to the mall if it tempts us to buy clothes to make us appear more beautiful to ourselves, the world, and our husband's perverted view of beauty, and instead seek to please God.

Our husband's should get serious about cutting out their eye, but really, so should we. Consuming tons of things that provoke our insecurity and cause us to compare our bodies to other women's bodies, is not healthy and will prevent us from fully healing.

We have to step away from the world, both husbands and wives, and turn to face each other. We need to remember the beauty of marriage and stop thinking about trivial things. As deep as these things run, as much as they hurt, they are trivial. And it's just Satan's way of ruining the beauty of marriage.

So let's stop making him smile.

It doesn't matter if you are a husband whose wife is consumed by her insecurity and distrust, or a woman whose husband refuses to change... your faithfulness and love is not determined by the others faithfulness and love.

You are called to faithfulness and love to God first, then your spouse through that.

LOVE, seriously, is the only thing that can break the snare of pornography, lust, and insecurity from crumbling marriages into a trillion pieces.